I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
