Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
