I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
