I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
