she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
