can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
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