then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
