I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
