I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
