in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
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he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
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I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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