One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
