Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
how drunk are you?
Several
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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