I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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