You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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