i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
