so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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