I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
