Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
