I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
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Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
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you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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