i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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