I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
