Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
