somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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