It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
