Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I supernannyed him into submission
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
