We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My life is pants optional.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
