so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
