I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
