Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
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So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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