Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
