Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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