Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
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