I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
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She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
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Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
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