areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
