They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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