I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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