new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
