I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize