I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
