I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
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my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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