maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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