The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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