Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
