Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
