I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
