and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
