i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
