You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
