I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i would one night stand the shit outta him
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
