I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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