my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I would ride that face into the sunset
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
