First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
