come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
