You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
