i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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