I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
